


Skinny Love

by 0bliviate



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Eating Disorder, High School, M/M, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-16 17:09:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4633383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0bliviate/pseuds/0bliviate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One comment can break someone, and it will take a lot more to put them back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work in progress, think of this chapter as an introduction.

He could stare in the mirror all he wanted, it wasn't going to change what he saw. He hated the rolls on his stomach, the way his thighs jiggled when he walked. He had to change, he needed to lose weight, so he could start loving himself again. He never once thought of himself as fat, not until that one comment. 

*flashback*

Castiel sat in the center of the cafeteria, surrounded by his friends. He wasn't popular, at least he didn't think he was. His tray held two cheese burgers, and a large portion of fries. Skipping breakfast always had him starving by lunchtime. He had a habit of feeding his eyes before his stomach, which usually resulted in a lot of wasted food.   
He had been taking the last bite of the first burger when he heard it. The words that shattered everything he knew about himself.   
"Damn, Cas. At this rate you'll be as big as a house! Slow down fatty!" He knew it was meant as a joke, but the words hurt him in a way he didn't know possible.   
"Shut up Dean." He replied, adding an eye roll to make himself seem unaffected by the words. 

*end flashback*

That was the first day. As soon as lunch was over he went into the last stall in the bathroom, fingers shoved down his throat so he wouldn't feel so ashamed anymore.   
"Castiel, time for school sweetie. Come down for breakfast." He heard his mother yell up to him, and his stomach instantly twisted. His mother made the best pancakes, his mouth watering at the mere thought. 

'No, snap out of it. You aren't hungry.'

"Not hungry mom!" He yelled back, snatching up his back pack and racing down the stairs. He held his breath as he passed the kitchen, but it didn't help. He could still smell them.   
"Alright, just make sure to grab something at school." The older woman instructed her son with a smile. Breakfast was the most important meal of the day, after all.   
"Sure thing mom, love you!" He answered, shutting the door behind him and taking off down the driveway to go to school. 

'Why don't you run, fatty. Burn off. Some of that fat. You do want to get skinny don't you? Run fat ass!'

 

He made a face at his thoughts, shaking his head and picking up the pace. He ran until he couldn't breathe, before slowing to a fast walk. As soon as he caught his breath he was running again, covered in a thin layer of sweat by the time he got to school. 

"Good morning, Cas." He heard a voice behind him. "You run here?"  
He turned to see Sam, Dean's brother just a few steps behind him. He liked Sam, he had more of a filter compared to Dean. What Dean had in looks, Sam had in kindness.   
"I looked at my clock wrong, I thought I was later than it was." He answered, the lie rolling off his tongue with ease.   
"I've had that happen before, but when I got here, I was alone because it was only four in the morning." Sam laughed, and Castiel couldn't help but join in.   
"I wish I could of seen your face when you realized!" He giggled, and it was real. He was laughing, and it felt amazing.   
"Yea, it was pretty embarrassing. What class do you have first?"   
"Gym, you?" He had a love/hate relationship with the class. One one hand, he could work out to his hearts content. On the other, he had to change in the locker rooms, right next to the floor length mirror that reminded him of how completely disgusting his body looked.   
"Art." Sam answered with a mix between a sigh and a groan. "I'm not looking forward to having to do that project Ms. James assigned. It's almost as if she expects me to be able to draw something other than stick figures."  
"I'm sure you'll do fine." Castiel smiled, walking into the building just as the bell rang.   
"Good luck with Coach Singer, heard he's doing track this week." Sam called after him, earning a dismissed wave as he went down the hall towards the locker rooms. 

Coach Singer had a reputation for being a sadistic person when it came to running track. He made students spend the entire class period either running, or doing jumping jacks. Either way, he would make them do it nonstop. If he so much as though someone was going to give up, he'd make them stay after class and keep going. 

The locker room was full when he got there, and he debated on just turning and leaving, but he had nowhere to go. 

'Go on fat ass.'

He tried to avoid the mirror as he changed, staring at the chipped paint on his locker as he slipped out of his jeans and into the assigned shorts the school handed out. He slipped the grey cotton shirt over his head just as Coach singer blew the whistle. 

'Time to run again.'


	2. Irrelevant

Gym was over before he knew it. He was able to spend the entire class running, with no problem. 

"Alright, idjits. Hit the showers!" Coach Singer yelled, after blowing that obnoxious whistle. He really hated that thing. 

He followed the rest of the class, back into the locker rooms to change. He rarely took a shower at school. He knew he could probably use one, but he simply never had the opportunity. The showers were always full by the time he got there, and if by some chance one was open, he became to self conscious to actually use it.   
He stood in front of his locker, quickly changing back into his school clothes.   
"Hey, Cas!" A voice behind him called, and he turned around as soon as he had his shirt on. Jason stood a few feet behind him, towel wrapped perfectly around his slim waist and tiny beads of water rolling down his skin from where he just got out of the shower.   
"Yea?" He asked. Jason was a lot more popular than he was, though him talking to him still wasn't much of a surprise.   
"I'm having a party next weekend, you should come." The taller boy insisted, and Castiel nodded. A party did sound fun.   
"Sure thing, I'll be there." He smiled. He hadn't been to a party in quite sometime, the last one being a bit of a disaster.   
"Alright, cool. I'll text you times and everything." Jason grinned, before letting out a curse of frustration when the bell rang. "Ah fuck!"   
Castiel laughed, brushing his fingers through his hair before grabbing his bag and heading to his next class. 

 

Orchestra, it had to be one of his favorite classes. It was the one place where he could escape, his mind free from thoughts of counting calories and losing weight. His guitar, was freedom. He also shared the class with Dean Winchester, he couldn't figure out if that was a good, or a bad thing.   
He showed up to class just a few minutes early, going into the small locker room to grab his guitar.   
"Hello, Dean." He greeted, when he saw the taller student leaning against the lockers. He adored Dean. There was just something about him. He felt attached, though he had no idea why.   
"Cas!" Dean replied, lunging forward and sliding his arms around the smaller boys waist in a quick hug. That didn't happen often.   
"Is everything okay Dean?" He asked, eyes full of confusion.   
"Yea, everything's fine. Just felt like hugging you." Was the reply he got. 

He should really hate Dean, after the comment he made about his weight. He imagined he meant it as a joke and not an insult, not knowing it would snap the already thin like he was walking on.   
He smiled softly, reaching up and twisting the dial on his locker, putting in the combination so he could open it up. He pulled his guitar out carefully, slamming the locker shut once it was out.   
"You going to Jason's party?" Dean asked.   
"I'm pretty sure I am, are you?" He replied, licking his lips.   
"Yea, I've got nothing better to do." Castiel nodded, turning towards the door when he heard the director yelling that class was starting. He grabbed Dean's hand, tugging him along so he wouldn't try to hide in one of the lockers and went to their usual seats in the back.

"Alright, today is going to be a free day." Ms. Harvell announced, rolling her eyes at the cheers. "Oh can it! You still have to work." There went the groans. "You will pair up and pick your own music to play. Tomorrow you will perform your selection for the class." She instructed.   
"Not much of a free day." He heard Dean mutter.   
"Is there a problem Mr. Winchester?" Ms. Harvell asked, a slight glare in her eyes.   
"No ma'am." Was Dean's reply. 

Castiel looked around for a moment, watching everyone pair up. He always worked with Dean on these sort of things so he assumed they would be working together once more.   
Once everyone was paired up they were allowed to go and pick out their music. Castiel walked over to the guitar section, scanning over the titles for something worth playing. There were a mix of older, and more modern songs. He grabbed one that looked interesting, an acoustic version of Carry on my Wayward Son by KANSAS. The piece was meant as a solo, but it wouldn't be that hard to add another part. Maybe he could convince Dean to sing, and that would work. 

(A/N: http://youtu.be/X4-q_H8sOXc Imagine Castiel playing this)

He brought the sheet music back to Dean, handing a copy to him.   
"Nice choice, Cas."   
"I was thinking you could sing?" Castiel suggested, blue eyes hopeful. He stared at Dean with wide eyes until he finally agreed to it. That was easier than expected.   
"Why not. Come on, let's go practice this thing out in the hallway." Dean insisted, grabbing Castiel's guitar so he could carry it for him. 

The orchestra room was luckily on the music hall of the school, so it wasn't a rare thing to see students practicing in the hallway. He followed Dean to the end of the hall, taking a seat on the floor and pulling the guitar from his grip. He laid the sheet music out, staring at the notes and attempting to commit them to memory before he started playing. His fingers danced over the strings almost expertly, but he missed a few notes here and there, stumbling through the complicated parts.   
"Slow down the tempo, you're playing too fast." Dean instructed. "Read the quarter notes as whole, and so on." He added. 

It was much easier playing with Dean's suggestion. While it wasn't the speed it needed to be, he could at least get a feel for the notes. Once he was able to play it through without messing up he decided to try it a bit faster. Each time he got it right he would play it faster, until it was the correct tempo.   
"Why don't you try singing this time?" Castiel suggested, looking up at Dean for a moment.   
Dean nodded, gesturing for Castiel to get ready. They were off the first few times, still trying to work out the right cues and pretty soon they were sounding great. They played a few more times before deciding to call it a day.   
"So, gunna sit with us at lunch today?" He heard Dean ask, as he placed the guitar back in it's case.   
"I was going to go to the library and study.." Castiel answered. He didn't want to be around food. He didn't want the temptation.   
"Come on Cas, you never sit with us anymore." Dean huffed, and for a moment Castiel thought he was going to start pouting.   
"Not today Dean, I've got a big test after lunch. I don't need the distraction." He answered. At least it wasn't an entire lie. He did have a test right after lunch ended. He licked his lips, shaking his head before standing up. "Maybe tomorrow?"  
"Yea, tomorrow." Dean agreed, finally smiling again.   
Castiel hated to see Dean without a smile on his face. 

The two gathered up their things, making it back to the classroom just before the bell rang. 

"Remember! Performances tomorrow!" Ms. Harvell yelled over the roar of students talking and putting their things away to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'll actually continue this. I have so many plans for it.   
> I'll update atleast once a week if not sooner. 
> 
> Don't forget to leave comments!


	3. Does anyone even read these?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The point of view changes a few times.

He felt sick, so very sick. His head was spinning, and his stomach protested the lack of food by twisting and turning, the need to vomit rising up his chest. He wanted to go home, he needed to eat, but he couldn't. Even if he wanted to eat he wouldn't be able to, the nausea making the thought of food disgusting. He could go see the nurse, get sent home early, but he didn't want to answer questions. He didn't even want to get up. 

"Cas..? Hey, are you okay?" He heard a voice say, and he lifted his head from the desk to see Sam, walking towards him with a stack of books in hand, and a bag of chips.   
"I'm fine." He answered, the weak stare in his eyes proving the statement to be a lie.  
"You look like shit."  
"Gee, thanks." Castiel replied sarcastically.   
"I mean you look sick." Sam sighed, sitting his down on the table, reaching a hand over to place against his forehead. "You don't feel warm." He muttered, pulling the chair out and sitting down.   
"I told you, I'm fine. Just tired." Castiel frowned. He was tired, so it wasn't entirely a lie. He watched as Sam opened the bag of chips, sticking his hand in and pulling a few out before offering the bag to Castiel.   
He shook his head, "Not hungry, thank you though." He politely declined. 

-~-

Sam couldn't help but frown at that. Castiel never turned down free food before. He couldn't even remember the last time he saw him actually eat something. He knew he had been skipping lunch, Dean wouldn't shut up about it lately.   
"Is everything okay?" He asked cautiously. He didn't want to accuse him of starving himself, but at the same time he was worried. He could see that he had lost weight, his clothes looked baggy, his cheeks lost their perfect roundness. He looked hollow. He wasn't dangerously thin, but he was well on his way.   
He didn't miss the brief look of surprise in Castiel's eyes, as if he could tell that Sam knew, but it was quickly replaced with a look of sadness. "Everything is fine Sam." He promised. 

-~-

Everything would be fine. He just needed to loose a few more pounds and he would stop the horrible diet. Once the scale read one hundred and thirty, he would stop. He would be satisfied. Only ten pounds to go. 

(A/N: According to the cdc website, the ideal weight for an adult who is 5'11 (Misha Collins' height) is between 133 and 179, the 130 goal Castiel has will put him in the underweight category.)

Castiel knew Sam was growing suspicious. He needed to make him believe he was okay. He was, okay, after all. He reached towards the bag of chips on the table, stealing a few and eating them. They were delicious, and disgusting all at the same time. Delicious because he was hungry, but the guilt he felt for even putting them in his mouth made him feel disgusting.   
He could feel Sam watching him, analyzing his every movement.   
He needed to get out of there. He started working up an excuse to leave, but was instead saved by the bell. He grabbed his school bag, hooking the strap over his shoulder. "See you soon, Sam." He smiled, leaving before the taller Winchester could even say anything.   
He needed to get rid of it, he didn't want the feeling anymore. He could feel himself getting fatter with each passing second. Pound after pound being added to his body. He ducked into the bathroom and into the last stall, dropping to his knees almost immediately. He didn't notice Sam behind him when he shoved his fingers down his throat. He never saw the concerned look on the others face as he expelled what little food he had in his stomach.   
When he stood up, Sam had already left. 

-~-

Sam didn't know what to think. Castiel was making himself sick? Was he bulimic? Anorexic? Both? What triggered this? Why?  
A million questions ran through his head as he walked through the hallway, an obvious look of concern on his face. He needed to talk to Dean. Luckily he didn't have to go far.   
"Yo! Sammy! You look like someone stole your blanky!" Came Dean's teasing voice.  
"Shut up, Dean." Sam huffed, rolling his eyes. "Have you noticed anything weird about Cas?"  
"Cas? No. Like what?"  
"He's lost a lot of weight."  
"So? Maybe he finally realized stuffing his face was going to end up making him fat."  
Sam frowned at that. Dean obviously wasn't going to understand. His whole personality was making jokes of anything serious.   
"Just forget it." He sighed, walking past his brother.   
"Okie dokie."

He was worried. He hated what he saw. There was no reason for Castiel to do something like that. He had to do something. 

-~-

Castiel sighed softly, looking in the mirror after rinsing his mouth out. He hated what he saw. His reflection lied. He saw fat, ugly; Everyone else saw skinny, normal. He looked down at his flat stomach, picking at rolls that weren't even there.   
He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, a look of confusion crossing his face before he pulled it out to look at the message. 

From: Sam  
I'm so not in the mood for math, let's cut. 

To: Sam  
Sure. Meet me at the spot?

From Sam:   
K

He smiled softly. Sam's message couldn't of came at a better time. He was supposed to be in home economics, cooking.  
He shoved his phone back into his pocket before he left, going to the usual spot where they would cut class. 

Anytime anyone cut class they would go to this abandoned barn, across the street from the school and in the woods. The thing was falling apart, but it worked. They would be hidden from view, and out of the elements of the weather. 

When he got there, he was greeted by a face full of Sam. The older boy tackled him in a hug that made his head spin.   
"Sam!"

Sam pulled away, shaking his head.   
"Sorry. Look, Cas... We need to talk." He insisted, gesturing for his friend to sit down. 

Castiel could feel himself starting to panic, but he didn't show it. He didn't want him to know something was wrong. He was fine after all.   
He nodded, walking into the barn and sitting down on an old bed of hay. "What is it?"

Sam sighed, narrowing his eyes and trying to figure out the best way to say it.   
"I saw you in the bathroom earlier."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys liking this?
> 
> Leave some comments. Tell me what you like, what you hate. 
> 
> If there are ways to improve I want to hear them.


	4. Crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Completely unrelated pure crack chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS NOT RELATED TO THE ACTUAL STORY ***********

Dean walked down the street, eyes scanning the area for any sort of threat. He stopped when he heard footsteps behind him, turning around to see a man, holding a knife.   
"Give me all your money!" The man hissed.   
Dean rolled his eyes and said, "Bitch please, I have too much swagger for your dagger," and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. When I saw the text post I couldn't resist. 
> 
> Working on the next chapter, hopefully it will be up sometime in the next few days. 
> 
> You guys are awesome!


	5. The real chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit short, but you guys seem to want an update.

Dean sighed softly, not even bothering to go to his next class. He couldn't get what Sam said out of his head. Sure, he'd noticed Castiel had lost weight, but he just assumed he had started exercising, and eating healthy. It wasn't like Castiel needed to even lose weight to begin with. He was perfect.   
He headed towards the barn, maybe he could just take a nap and not think about anything. When he got near he could hear Sam and Castiel. What where they doing there?   
Instantly his mind went to a bad place. Most of the time the barn was used for sex when there was only two people. He would kill Sam if he so much as looked at Castiel in a romantic way. Cas was his, and his alone.   
He could admit to himself that he was hopelessly in love with the younger boy, but he was incapable of showing it, much less telling him about it.   
"I saw you in the bathroom." He heard Sam say, and he frowned. He saw Cas's dick? The asshole.   
"Sam, it wasn't what it looked like! I was just-" Castiel said quickly. What, was he jerking off?  
"Shoving your fingers down your throat until you got sick?" Oh. What?   
He stepped a tad bit closer, a frown on his lips. Castiel was making himself sick? Why would he even do something like that?  
"Sam, it's not a big deal. I-"  
"Are you even eating at all?! Are you stupid Cas?" Sam asked desperately.   
"I- please Sam.." Castiel didn't know what to say.  
"Just tell me why. I can understand wanting to lose weight, everyone does at some point, but why would you do this to yourself." He heard Sam ask, and he listened closer. He wanted to know what Castiel had to say about that, but he didn't hear the answer. All he knew is that Sam was hugging him now, and all he wanted to do was be exactly where Sam was. 

-~-

"I saw you in the bathroom." Sam said.   
His heart sank at the words. He didn't want anyone to know, to worry about him.   
"Sam, it wasn't what it looked like! I was just-" He started to answer. He didn't know what he was going to say. He felt sick? It was no big deal?  
"Shoving your fingers down your throat until you got sick?" He could see the hurt look in Sam's eyes. He never wanted that. He hated for someone to be hurting because of him.   
"Sam, it's not a big deal. I-" He began, desperate to ease his mind. He would stop soon.   
"Are you even eating at all?! Are you stupid Cas?"  
"I- please Sam."  
"Just tell me why. I can understand wanting to lose weight, everyone does at some point, but why would you do this to yourself." Sam asked desperately.   
Castiel didn't respond for a moment, looking down. He didn't know how to word it without sounding pathetic. He could lie, but he didn't want to lie to him.   
"Because, maybe if I loose weight Dean will love me." He answered quietly. He expected Sam to yell, call him stupid. What he didn't expect was to suddenly feel a pair of arms around him, pulling him close an just holding him.   
He never uttered those words aloud before. His feelings for the older Winchester were obvious, and at times he believed Dean felt the same way. 

-~-

Dean left at that, vision blurred with tears that didn't quite fall. He felt betrayed. Sam knew how he felt about Castiel. Sure, he never actually told him, but it was obvious! He stormed back to the school, but he didn't go to class. Instead he just got in his car, his beloved impala, and left. Sam and Cas could find their own way home. They probably wanted to be alone anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave a comment!
> 
> Also, I got my iphone to read this to me in an Australian accent. It was very satisfying.

**Author's Note:**

> So, thoughts?


End file.
